Me while writing most of this post, which has a DBZ theme throughout.
This started out as a somewhat organized post but quickly became a collection of ramblings. Aside from this introduction, all of it was written in one of the darkest moments of my life. From the outside in it may have looked different, but over the past few weeks it’s been hell even for me.
I basically fell into a pitfall of going out solo and not caring otherwise. This was essentially self torture as CT put it on toplair.
I ended up moving past it after the simple act of meeting some cool new dudes to hang out with in
The entire post may come off looney, useless, and negative…or you might find it inspiring and a work of genius. Either way what’s important to me is that I love it (especially how open and honest it is). And as long as it helps even one person, it was worth all the time in the world to post it here.
For those of you that don’t know, on the right side there is a link to my ongoing thread about my personal transformation.
I have a couple posts 90% done that I think are fucking KILLER and would add a lot of value to you guys minds, but it wouldn’t be a direct reflection of what’s going on in my life right now, it would reflect what was going on at the time I wrote it.
Basically I just broke 3 months of going out, without missing a single night. This was after a year + of going out 3-5 nights a week.
You would think it would take my game to *the next level*, it would be the final frontier to get my game dialed fucking TIGHT.
And you know what?
It did….for a while…
I went on a lay streak after a 15 months dry spell,
I could have had relationships with any of these girls, but either I made the conscious decision not to (and to keep going after the skill/process) or I sabotaged myself, basically not allowing myself to enter a relationship by doing subtle unconscious things that fucked up the connection.
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The last girl I laid, as previously mentioned, was the girl I sabotaged myself with. It was so on…who knows what I could have learned from a relationship with that girl. But I guess you could say deep down I was scared, because that is in fact what Im after. Sure I want to bang 10 zillion hotties and then learn what I actually want, but this would have been a great first start.
I’ve heard so much about guys giving in, and I’ve SEEN it, time and time again. And as mentally disciplined as I am, I knew that those were dangerous waters. Some of the greatest men that have ever been have given in to those temptations.
So rather than RISK it, I killed the monster while it was little (without even thinking about it so to speak).
But anyways, those first 3 pulls were average girls. But the final girl, once again, was a hottie.
I really thought I had MADE IT.
Like surface level I wasn’t that dumb, I knew I had a lot more work set before me. But the ego said otherwise deep down.
“Na man, you have made it. You did it!!”
I had learned surface level how to socially interact and consistently pull chicks home, and at the time, the SELF THAT ALWAYS COMES THROUGH, was a totally well intentioned person, 100 fucking percent, and they sensed this. I had my head screwed on FUCKIN TIGHT.
But there was a values conflict.
And since then, there’s been a storm raging inside my head, seriously like a category 5 hurricane just fucking spinning around in there.
Going out has continued to keep it spinning also, because every night has been a battle.
Every night is do or die, as if Im only trying to survive and “get by”, which is NO WAY to live.
And I know looking at pickup as a battle is a HORRIBLE frame, but its different.
For me it’s like a battle with myself, unlike most guys who get BOLD and start opening chicks like there Hulk Hogan on speed or something…
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I’ve been acting like a dick lately on my lair, which has given me some of the most thought out and objective advice I’ve ever seen in this community. Literally the thread is a gold mine for anyone pursuing the avenue of mastery.
I do this every so often on there. What amazes me is how they keep their cool (for the most part) and keep me around even after having egotistical little prick tempertantrums =)
Well it’s come to my attention why this storm isn’t passing (as quickly as it should anyways).
Like I understand that eventually it WILL pass, no matter what happens. But jesus….every night is a fight to the death for me out trying to HAVE FUN, interact with women, and be a cool charismatic person.
The problem as I see it now is that I’ve become anti-social.
Yes, going out 3 months in a row, has made me anti-social.
BUT HOW???!!!!???
Well basically I used to be terrified like so many others of the idea of going out solo.
Once I got the hang of it, and then started getting LAID on my own, HA “I don’t need anyone!”.
Yeah right…
What’s happening now as I see it is I have no one to ping reality off of, which is stripping me of all my external pillars of reality.
And Im not saying it’s a good idea AT ALL to ping off of other people in a needy way, but the fact is human beings are VERY social creatures.
We need a reference point of some kind to know who we are, that’s just how *identity* works. It’s how you relate to those around you. Its like yeah have all the internal pillars of reality and such, but man you need at least ONE external to give you a good perspective on shit.
Love and connection is PRIMAL NEED, and cold approaches will not fill that need long term. They’ll fill the bucket a little and slow down the inevitable, but the hole at the bottom will still be there draining away.
The only basis for my reality now is
Myself
And people I just randomly start talking to at clubs
I just got to the point where I stopped looking for wings, or even caring to go to bars were I knew wings would be at.
And now I’m in a pretty lonely dark place…
Hell, besides nights I instruct (which is basically gives me no OPTION but to have an on night), I’ve had a off night, or a BAD night for weeks now. There has been a few ups but they were only in bursts and didn’t even last the entire night.
I’m at the point where I feel I’ve REGRESSED on the surface level.
Like a few months ago, my game was fucking TIGHT. I started going out and it got it so tight I started pulling with or without all the “swirly wirly” game.
The self that was coming through out sarging was RIDICULOUSLY attractive to women.
Like just WOW THIS GUY IS AMAZING, IM CREAMING MY FUCKING PANTS OOOHOOHOOOOOO
But without someone there with me, its like climbing mount everest alone.
I think Anthony Robbins used that analog actually “If you reach the top of the mountain alone, your gonna jump off”.
Alright so where am I at right NOW exactly?
Well I realize now I wasn’t ready for that level of success. Not even 2 years ago I was a low self esteem, world of warcraft nerd pizza roll eatin nerd.
I have indeed come a long way.
But Ive gone from one end of the spectrum to the complete opposite so FAST it’s riduclous. My mind just cant keep up no matter how iron willed I am.
Like one day Im some little chubby dweeb and the next Im a leader, entrepreneur, player, lover, personal trainer, health/fitness nut, person that takes ACTION consistently, hell even school was a complete 180 etc etc…
For the longest time I thought “man Im progressing so fucking slow…”
HA
Truth is I went wayyyyy to fast.
My mind is still BEGINNING to process all this change.
Fact is, Im progressing faster than some of the top guys in this community did. That said everyone comes from different backgrounds but I feel mine was as low as the next guys.
Not being ready for this success reminds me of my first lay back in april of 06, right when I graduated highschool.
All of a sudden total social loser bangs one of the hottest chicks in his highschool.
WOWA
Success barrier.
“better sabotage my relationship with my first GF and confuse the hell out of the poor girl”
Go to
Now it’s a similar pattern, only this time it wasn’t getting laid that triggered the pattern it was the success of it rather than the actual sex. Like wow pull off a miraculous lay (fuckin picture perfect) with a beautiful girl, inside and out.
Do I really deserve this?
The past 3, sure, I worked my ASS off to bang those chicks. My head clicked, ok time to MAN THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR DICK WET, but this girl?
Sabotage…..
^^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()_)(*&^%
Alright so back to where I’m at right now.
The game has basically ruined my life, surface level.
Or moreso Ive ruined my life with the game, my action, my fault (yeah Im to hard on myself sometimes but I feel it’s in my best interest currently).
Ive alienated most of my friends, hell even my family somewhat.
Ive almost completely trashed my ability to be a care free fun loving person, ie ability to VIBE.
Ive uncovered a lot of negativity in the world and failed to uncover the positive (or moreso focus on it), the counter to all that negativity.
As a result a lot of my life views have gotten warped (surface level).
Like for example right now, man I love women, everything about them. From the sex, the connection, to the congruence tests that so many guys fear (like seriously, next chick I pull home Im gonna like ask her to give me massive lmr just so I can test myself, its that fun for me, sick fuck huh?)
Funny how during the day I really do feel I have made it. Not that Im pullin chicks in the bathroom like Devious or anything but just overall (not considering my social life) my personal day life has changed for the better.
But when Im out at night, my head is triggering MASSIVE PAIN to interacting with women, hell just being OUT, totally without regard to my social skills.
So basically all my calibration is being negated by this surface level misogamy. Like it doesn’t matter how tight my game gets, this will trash any set I approach.
And it SUCKS ASS.
But is it worth it?
Is all this going out worth, the decent into madness? Because that’s basically what’s happening.
I feel like bit by bit everything about me is being stripped away…and I mean everything from self esteem, self worth, confidence, charisma, values, morals, beliefs…. It’s all fading away.
Hell look at this post, these are my thoughts as they are flowing out.
There not very clear and organized, talk about dazed and confused LOL.
But I when I dig deep, my gut tells me it is worth it.
I dig deep and it comes to me, hey man, all this pain has to be balanced out one way or another.
THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
Actually heres something I randomly came across the other night when I just opened Awaken the Giant Within again (posted it in my toplair journal the next day)
"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance."-Bruce Barton
Values guide our every decision and, therefore, our destiny. Those who know their values and live by them become leaders of our society...If we want the deepest level of life fulfillment, we can achieve it in only one way, and that is by doing what these two men have done: by deciding upon what we value most in life, what our highest values are, and then committing to live by them every single day. Unfortunately, this action is far too rare in today's society. Too often, people have no clear idea of what's important to them. They waffle on any issue; the world is a mass of gray to them; they never take a stand for anything or anyone.
...We all respect people who take a stand for what they believe, even if we don't concur with their ideas about what's right and what's wrong. There is power in individuals who congruently lead lives where their philosophies and actions are one.
...In our personal and professional lives, as well as on the global front, we must get clear about what is most important in our lives and decide that we will live by these values no matter what happens. This consistency must occur regardless of whether the environment rewards us for living by our standards or not. We must live by our principles even when it "rains on our parade", even if no one gives us the support we need. The only way for us to have long-term happiness is to live by our highest ideals, to consistently act in accordance with what we believe our life is truly about.
But we cant do this if we don't clearly know what our values are! This is the biggest tragedy in most people's lives: many people know what they want to have , but have no idea of who they want to be. Getting "things" simply will not fulfill you. Only living and doing what you believe is "the right thing" will give you that sense of inner strength that we all deserve.
Remember that your values-whatever they are- are the compass that is guiding you to your ultimate destiny. They are creating your life path by guiding you to make certain decisions and take certain actions consistently. Not using your internal compass intelligently results in frustration, disappointment, lack of fulfillment, and a nagging sense that life could be more if only somehow, something were different. Ont he other hand, there's an unbelievable power in living your values: a sense of certainty, an inner peace, a total congruency that few people ever experience.-Anthony Robbins
The best guys in this game have ALL been obsessed at one point or another. Much like I am now.
Completely devoted to bringing success with women to MY personal standards. I don’t care about being the BEST, I just care about being the best I can possibly be. Reaching my maximum potential, self actualization right as many call it.
I can sense a change coming though. I sensed it the first day I found ASF and I looked in the mirror, something big.
Im not sure what it is exactly but I do have an idea.
I believe, it’s letting go.
It seems to get what you TRULY desire, you have got to be willing to LET IT GO.
Like you get to the point where you WILL DO ANYTHING to get it. There is no stopping you (which is where I’m at now).
I KNOW I can keep up with going out solo for months on end, but jesus Christ that’s pain no one should have to go through. There is no REASON to do that, its in-effective.
So Im going to take some of the advice Ive gotten, but more in a sec.
So yeah, letting go. I think this just has to be included in the ANYTHING of achieving something. Because as soon as you are willing to let it go, bam you don’t NEED it anymore. And when you don’t NEED it, your true desire will emerge.
Your life will be more fulfilled now that you’re living in accordance with your values, youll be fulfilling your primal needs, and actually GETTING what you WANT, consistently.
So what are my options?
One of my highest values is holding myself to my word. I said I would go out every night until I got the job done, and its NOT done.
So taking a break isn’t really an option, but it seems as though that’s exactly what I need.
Well like it or not Ill be home for almost a week for thanksgiving, at which there are NO night venues (save a possible party on Friday or something). Which means I don’t have an option to go out at night, however that still leaves the mall.
So for now that’s exactly what Im going to do. Hit the mall every day and make a few approaches, looking for nothing more than an interesting conversation. Like literally not even goin for a phone number unless shes super cute and practically raping me.
I need to fucking relax.
For the rest of my time
Of course
Gotta stay insane in at least ONE aspect right? Muaauhahuahuahuhuaahuuh
Challenging myself
I wrote about this earlier in my toplair transformation thread, basically Ive discovered something great, but difficult.
One of the funnest things for me to do now is CHALLENGE myself. Im constantly asking more of myself than anyone could even hope to ask, on a daily basis.
This is a core masculine desire in my opinion.
To challenge yourself, test your limits, push yourself to them and BEYOND.
See how far you can bend, and how many times you can break yourself and put yourself back together.
Like anything else in life, there is a balance to be had with it though. I may be pushing to hard but then again we only have one life to live right? What if I die tomorrow?
Will I die happy and fulfilled?
I think this is a VERY important question everyone should be asking themselves every so often. Or you can just be comfortable in your little corner of insecurity and not live on your edge.
Speaking of living on the edge, I agree very much with David Deida on this.
A man can only find himself at his edge. It’s when you are pushed past your limits, past what you thought was possible, past ANYTHING you’ve ever thought of you find your true self. You have to, you have no other option at that point.
Our darkest moments are also our brightest.
For me this is going out every single day and taking consistent action. As you can see its driving me NUCKING FUTS.
It could be a million reasons why to, I could be trying to hard, not trying hard enough, over analyzing, over thinking shit, making things bigger than they are, lack of aggression, my own stubbornness, not getting clear, lack of focus and direction, to tunnel visioned, ego…hell the list could go on forever.
Energy
Wow cant believe I almost forgot to talk about this.
At this point, I really do have a ridiculous amount of energy.
This is largely due to exposing myself to the right information and then APPLYING it on a daily and consistent basis, for months on end now.
Like I don’t think people really understand what I’m talking about, Im talking about like Anthony Robbins energy level (I get this comment a lot anyways).
Every day I have more energy just doing ANYTHING. I don’t think this is more than I was meant to have, but it is DRASTICALLY more than most people have in their daily lives.
I work out every single day, almost effortlessly most of the time. Most days are aerobic cross training, the others are a more intense anaerobic cardio vascular session such as kick boxing for an hour or jumping rope VERY intensely.
I average about 6-7 hours of sleep a night, sometimes less, rarely more. I havent set my alarm clock in months. No matter what time I go to sleep Im always up early.
Hell the other day I passed out at
I was kinda speechless, totally not expecting it after the previous day. Just started at the ceiling for a while.
One thing that may be doing this is that BURNING DESIRE I’m cultivating on a daily basis by taking consistent actions like working out and going out.
I really think it’s the food doing most of it though. My body is making final adjustments to my diet I started back in May and its loving it.
By the way, it’s basically, fruit, veggies, some grain, some nuts/seeds/oils, wild fish once a week, that’s it.
No other meats, NO MILK (you wouldn’t believe how bad this stuff is for you, I have a speech on it actually that should be up here eventually along with a post), no artificial processed crap like high fructose corn syrup/hydrogenated oils etc… hell very limited processed anything.
Also, I aim to eat organic and live food, although this doesn’t always happen. I never eat any kind of fried food.
That’s all physical energy though, which is the “fuel of excellence”. Hell, Ill go with that comment any day.
What I fail to have as abundant though is MENTAL and EMOTIONAL energy at this point.
Going out solo is so draining…..
Like Ive had nights wayyyy worse than anything lately, by 100 fold. But it’s the accumulation of these gay nights out, the nights out with no one to share the joy and vibe that’s fucking me up big time. Combined they topple any single night out by a LONG shot.
If you havent gone through this you probably have no idea what Im talking about. If you’ve had realllllly bad nights out you have a good idea as to what im talking about.
But until you’ve had a constant streak like this, fuck man its in-describable. And yeah there is the possibility Im turning anthills into mountains here but this is honest to god how my head is perceiving all this shit.
I am finally going to start meditiating though in an attempt to ease my mind on a daily basis, much like exercise eases my body.
It’s not a battle
I’ve known this for the longest time logically, and came to a very clear, deep understanding of it after reading the Way of the superior man.
But its as if Ive forgotten that phrase.
My mind is turning it into a battle with myself, which is a hell of a lot better than the “us versus them” mentality, but shitty none the less.
It’s a negative, crap mind set. And its not doing much other than helping beat the living shit out of myself day in and day out.
What I need to UNDERSTAND (I know this, hell its not rocket science) is that like my behaviors are not ME, neither are my problems.
Who I am is far greater than that.
I believe understanding this will help me help myself instead of attack myself.
What’s this come down to?
Well its very apparent at this point that going out this many nights has dragged me pretty deep down the rabbit hole. It has surfaced a lot of inner wounds that need healing.
So what am I going to do?
Am I going to take it easy and relax like everyone keeps telling me?
Well, yes and no.
Taking it easy, is STILL , after all this shit, for fucking idiots, or at least for people who don’t have the desire to be all they can.
I said I was going to do this and that’s just what the fuck I’m doing.
Its true. I agree very much with all the people telling me to relax and how it would sky rocket my game (why? Well basically I have all the practical knowledge and experience
If I took a complete break from going out, and took some of the other advice given, I would very likely go on a pickup spree and bang a couple 10’s, a dozen 9’s, and so forth. Id be “happy”, Id post pics, business would SKYROCKET, life would be great right?
Yeah, for a while. Eventually Id end up right back here or worse because that wont solve my problems, only I will ultimately solve my problems.
Doing that would be like putting a couple boxes of band-aids on a bone deep knife wound….or filling the bucket that’s run dry back up with water.
The best time to fix the bucket is when its dry, when the repairs will last a life time.
Short term, external, environment based validation is no longer important to me. Taking a full break like that would not serve me long term.
What is important is self validation, the stuff from WITHIN.
So this leaves me with going to the mall for a few days while Im home, which is a break for me, but still fulfills my values, my value of going after what I truly want with all the zeal and passion I can muster, my belief in consistency, and my moral of sticking to my word.
Working out compared to pickup, solo
More on the solo thing…
I was at the gym today and got to thinking about this. Basically I worked out with partners for years and years for football. Even after football for the longest time I always liked having a workout buddy.
And I still do occasionally, but that’s not the point.
Most of the time (unless Im in a group exercise class), Im working out alone. It’s solitude for me.
And guess what? I can push myself when need be, or I can relax when need be.
With pickup I think I jumped the gun on this to quick. Like man I worked out for like 6 YEARS before going solo with it.
And yeah, if I had a partner with me daily I might have a little more edge, but it’s a muscular edge I decided I don’t really care to much for. I am VERY happy with my physique and results, hell as arrogant as this sounds, man Im in AWESOME shape, and Im fuckin loving it. I worked for it, and I got it, it is satisfying, end of story.
But the journey is the reason for that.
Pickup IMO is going to mirror this.
Hopefully not as long, but ultimately the same pattern. Get back with wings for a while and then get to the right point for going solo (although still have wings way more often than I have up till now, hell TEAMSPORT guys ;D).
Procrastination
This is something Anthony talks about a lot, procrastinating the RIGHT things in life, like the bad shit…lol
Well I recently adopted this for “bad” nights out, which has actually been having some success. It turns bad nights into “off” nights which is useful in a sense.
However its merely avoiding the pain in the long run. I see it as fine for now, but long term I shouldn’t have to procrastinate SHIT, every night is a good night BECAUSE IM ALIVE AND WELL, that’s it.
Elenor Roosevelt actually said it best ” No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
No one dictates how YOU feel but YOU. It takes inner strength though, something Im currently building….into something monumental ;).
Interesting in history and speech class today.
In history class Ive paid much more attention in class than most others because the teacher is somewhat charismatic, I enjoy listening, its almost inspiring. He’s that passionate about it.
Likewise I just didn’t study very hard for his test, actually proggresivley less.
Consequently Ive done slightly better on each test.
In public speaking class the teacher kind of sucks but the class is cool. I’ve worked harder and harder on each of the 3 speeches we had to give, and guess what?
I got an 80, 81, and an 81. Grade basically stayed the EXACT same while I gave more and more effort to curtail it to her standards.
Intriguing to me, how releveant it is to my current situation I couldn’t tell ya.
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The self is always coming through
This is something
But the reason I mention this is that I believe it’s the broad (generalized) reason my social interactions have been so fucked lately.
The self coming through right now isn’t meant to attract women, or even to do something as simple as VIBE in a cool way, its meant to transform WHO I AM on an IDENTITY level.
This is it.
The changing self.
It won’t last long, and its painful.
But after the storm clears….well you know what they say, whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Women don’t want a man going through this stuff, they want a guy whos gone through it (or at least through parts of it), whos past it (or at least a good actor for that role).
Well guess what….till I’m at that point, they’ll just have to wait and take me for what I’m worth =).
I am.
Obsession and Balance
Ive come to the conclusion that obsession, like anything else in life, has a balance line.
Basically I crossed that. And it wasn’t due to intensity, it was due to context. Im pretty hardcore and passionate about most things in my life as many of you know, but the problem arose when I started isolating myself a la “going out solo” so much.
Nilatak says I live on “planet pooahatron” right now, and for a minute I thought that was the problem.
The problem though was when I started kicking people off pooahtron and was left alone.
Pooahatron is a good metaphor for my current intense focus on pickup, and kicking people off of it is a good metaphor for islolating myself.
So yeah, there is a balance even with things that take you off balance like what Ive done. Don’t cross it, its an unnecessary pitfall.
And as far as obsession for me goes right now, I still don’t believe Im obsessed with pickup. Yeah, it my MAIN focus right now, but Im very active like I mentioned with the energy post.
Im doing great in school, just took my ACE personal training test, the convention (although pickup related) and my business are doing great, im constantly reading (ie real BOOKS not just pickup articles lol), I work out every day and have taken up basic kick boxing (and continued on with jump rope, even began teaching beginners) and still continue to tear up my wii.
I will admit I got off balance socially to quite an extreme though. Strictly cold approaching alone is NO way to live.
“I don’t know whats worth fighting for”-breaking the habit
After everything Ive been through, and the consequences of my decisions, Ive learned whats worth “fighting for”.
Your dreams, your passions, your desires, and your hopes.
There worth fighting for, more than anything else in this world. If not, what else is?
And there worth every ounce of effort you can bring to the table, and a little more.
Think about it, you have ONE life on this Earth. If you aren’t fighting for those things, if you aren’t pursuing happiness, what the fuck are you doing!???!
I have learned however that many things in life, such as these listed, cant always be fought head on.
I already talked a little about the “us vs them” mentality and its true, it will destroy your social life, if not more.
You cant fight it head on, you have to be intelligent.
You gotta learn how to back stab that fuckin obstacle…
Just kidding, well actually half serious =).
Be intelligent, there’s always more than one way to win.
Thanks for reading guys. This was a tough time for me and this was sort of a therapy. I hope some of you have found the gems in here, and it inspires you to take up the difference that’s makes the difference.
Action
Lifes good =)
